bri herter, professional hobo, at your service.

I'm really tired right now.
I haven't slept more than seven hours in the last...few nights...I don't even know how many because I don't really count them as nights. They are more like naps. Here's a quote from HyperboleAndAHalf that perfectly describes the problem I encounter every single night of my life:

"When most people are getting ready for bed, I'm sitting on my couch, vibrating with pent-up energy. I have no idea what I get so excited about, but whatever it is, it's really, really, really exciting! I try to talk myself down from this hyper-excited state, but it usually only exacerbates the problem. I say to myself "Go to sleep. There is absolutely nothing exciting happening tomorrow. You are probably just going to wake up, crawl downstairs and fall asleep on the couch." But then I feel like I'm trying to trick myself. I think "This is probably just a cover-up for what's really going to happen tomorrow morning... I'm probably going to die. Or win a million dollars!'"

People always say, "You need to wake up early so you can fall asleep like a normal person." But what they don't understand is, I am not capable of being a normal person, no matter what extreme measures I may take to achieve that goal. In fact, I'm probably not even a person. My own mother has called me a robot on more than one occasion for reasons varying from "I don't think you even have a heart" to "Even as an infant you were this way." See, no matter how little of sleep I attain, I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER be tired enough to sleep when it turns into night time. 

Speaking of concerns about myself,  here's another one that's been on my mind a lot: I think I may be a hobo. Or at least, I act more like one than the guy that always stands on the Sprinkle Rd exit on I-94. In fact, sometimes I'm temped to write him a handy note of tips on how to be a more successful hobo. But the only tip on it would be, "Live like I do."
Here were my first clues that made me start wondering about my condition:
-I only shower about 2.3 times a week.
-I wear the same clothes for days on end.
-I avoid washing my clothes at all costs...seriously, I don't even know how to work a laundry machine. Last time I tried, I broke one of the spinny thingys.
-In the summer I only wear old tshirts and gym shorts, and in the winter I only wear sweats. Only. Ever.
-Sometimes I leave my gum in random places around the house so I can come across it again in the future and keep chewing it.
-I take naps all over the place...it doesn't matter where I am, if I become unable to function from lack of sleep, I will stop suddenly and collapse on the floor, no matter what public place I'm in, and fall asleep.
-I don't care about school at all and will probably end up flunking out.
-I NEVER have money.
-I irritate cops.
-I will eat the scraps off of anyone's plate.
-I care so little about what people think of me that I am actually naming these things.

I used to think I was just the grossest person ever, but it was during a recent conversation with my career counselor that I realized my condition is worse than I thought. I don't just accidentally live like hobos do, but I actually subconsciously aspire to be a professional hobo. See, I've always had this dream of traveling Europe...but I purposefully don't want to plan out realistic things like living, food, or transportation expenses once I'm actually there.
This is how my conversation with Chris the career counselor (how about that for alliteration!) went:

Bri - Why do people think it's so unrealistic to save up some money and fly to Europe? Then when I need money I'll just fly back and make some more.

Chris - Have you ever heard of living expenses?


Bri - Yeah, but I don't require those.


Chris - But then...how will you live?


Bri - In a ditch.

Chris - What if it rains?


Bri - I'll bring a travel-sized tent, obviously.


Chris - But...what about bears?


Bri - In London?


Chris - ...London bears.


Bri - See, you don't even have a legitimate argument as to why this couldn't work.


Chris - Yes I do, what would you do for food?


Bri - I'm incredibly resourceful.


Chris - Do you understand that you are basically describing to me that you want to be a hobo?


Now, that's when my initial instinct told me I should defend myself, but then I stopped to think and suddenly realized that he actually hit the nail on the head.

I have traced these homeless person aspirations all the way back to my childhood. When I was little, my mom never let me play video games or watch tv for more than one hour a day, so I was forced to run around outside, projecting my imaginary realities on the world around me. For some reason, these scenarios that I played out always involved me being orphaned. I must have internally felt oppressed by my superiors or something, because I always had this huge independence complex. Therefore, the solution was obviously to kill everyone off in my mind, leaving me completely alone and free to make my own decisions. Which is why I could never play nicely with the other kids who wanted to play house or something stupid. Because there was no compromise. It was orphans or nothing. In fact, it got to the point where when I would play with my best friend, Mary, we would each put three ideas of what we were going to play in a hat and draw them randomly. This was her idea, because she thought that maybe this way I wouldn't be able to overpower her and manipulate her into pretending we were orphaned jungle boys (yes, boys...because there was no such thing as a female Tarzan). She told me I was only allowed to submit "orphans" once...so, on one I wrote "orphans," on another I wrote, "kids with no families," and on the last one I wrote, "kids that were left in a river basket as babies." Even as a nine year old, I was master of loop holes.


As for why my brain was initially wired this way in the first place, I will never know. Maybe God just said, "Hey, I haven't made any future hobos in a while, Bri will make a good one." After all, if there were no hobos in the world, how would you be able to tell the difference between successful people and failures? That's me alright, living selflessly to make others look good. I take my destined position in society very seriously.

These are the types of thoughts that tax my mind at 2am.